I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
