I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
