just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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