She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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