I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
