remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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