There was a lot of him and a little penis
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
