just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize