literally had 100 drinks last night.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
