that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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