Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
