fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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