Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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