Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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