i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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