woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
