My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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