I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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