I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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