My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
