They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Randomize
