im about as happy as oj after his trial
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
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