I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
