what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
