It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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