u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
