Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize