Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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