She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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