Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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