This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
