I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
