I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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