I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
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