its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
