i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize