Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
