omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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