Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize