Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
