I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
