I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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