This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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