Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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