false alarm. still invincible.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We talked him into tasing himself.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize