It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
