and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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