I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
