we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
