she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
