I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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