True but thats because hes a fetus.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
