threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
