i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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