I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
