The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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