i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
