You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
