The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
