does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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