it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
