I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
