your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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