I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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