i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
