the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
