Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
