oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
His hands were made for my vagina.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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