Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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